Introduction

As my first post, I don't really know where to start. I am at the beginning of the conversion process. I'm hoping that this blog will be a way for me to publish everything about conversion from inquiry to baptism. I thought about starting in by giving my whole history and how I came to the church, but that just seemed too daunting and boring for any one else to read. So I'm just going to jump in where I am.

Pretending until it clicks...
Right now so many of the rituals feel both strange and comforting. So right now my strategy is simply to try it on and see if it sinks in. So far this strategy has worked with prayer in general. I had never really prayed in my life before I started going to mass about a year ago. It took about 9 months for me to get it. To actually feel like I was connecting some how with the Almighty. I started out as an anthropologist, a cool observer. I just sat and watched, pretending I had some sort of scientific observations about these strange superstitious Catholic creatures. I remember asking my pious friend who seemed so comfortable at prayer what he prayed about. I had no idea what to say or think or feel toward God. I began slowly to try it out. I've never had much discipline with anything I didn't have a natural affinity for. But because I had a friend who took me every week I never had a chance to stop trying and settle back into my normal routine. Then one day when I was particularly low, feeling especially worthless and miserable, I asked God for help, and bang! Then I finally understood. God is always there always trying to reach us, but we put up these barriers of rationalizations that keep him away. When I finally was able to humble myself, God showed himself to me. It was the most glorious experience of my life, both emotionally and physically pleasurable in a way I can't describe.

Since then I haven't had the same dramatic experience, but it has been good. I've been trying to integrate prayer into my daily routine. For Lent I've decided to say the Rosary every day. So far it has been good, but I have to remember that I'm not just trying to chase a fix. Some days I find the Rosary daunting, a lot to remember. Most of the time my mind wanders to the mundane. Did I put the laundry in the dryer? Tomorrow I have to get to work early. Etc. So I have to keep kicking myself back into the prayer. Right now I'm just going to keep on plugging away, and hope that it all becomes more natural.